Breaking the Silence

Chris & I found out that we were expecting in mid-April. We weren't trying or avoiding just letting God make the decisions...and let me tell you,  we were beyond ecstatic with the decision our heavenly father made. After a week of excitement my world came crashing down as I started spotting. The spotting eventually became bleeding. We went to the ER and they could tell us nothing--we left with a 50/50 chance of a viable pregnancy. My husband who has been my rock through this whole process claimed that "our baby was perfect and fine" while I on the other hand, clung to everything but my faith. He was glass half full and I was glass half empty. 

After an excruciating weekend of not knowing what was going on I went to my doctor and was told I was having an ectopic pregnancy and would most likely need surgery. I was then rushed to the ER with tears burning my cheeks and a grief that consumed me. My husband refused to believe this news and continued to tell me the doctors were wrong. After many hours and various tests I was told I lost my baby. Relief set in that I wasn't having an ectopic pregnancy--then guilt, for feeling relieved. Then I welcomed shock and convinced the entire world that I was doing great! And finally, reality knocked on my door and let itself in and has decided to stay awhile.

Chris & I are still grieving together. We have found a deeper love for one another that is unexplainable. Our hearts still ache for that sweet baby we so looked forward to meeting. We serve a Great God. I will stand by that. I found a faith in myself I didn't know was possible. I know God works everything together for good. I am able to find peace among uncertainty, grief, and heart-wrenching sadness. This is not a strength I developed on my own--my heavenly father has supplied it and for that I am so grateful.


I have been torn on whether I should post this or not because this is such a raw wound. Not to mention the personal factor--finding the line between my personal life and this blog can be difficult. However, this little corner of the internet is about my life, an outlet of sorts, and now the loss of my baby is a very real part of me and always will be.