Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Inside My Journal


For those of you who don't know me, I will openly admit that I hoard journals. Throughout my house, stashed in random places, you will find my thoughts scribbled on pages of one my many journals. I go through phases with my journal's, they all serve their own purpose and represent something different to me. I pity the person who picks them up and actually reads them because my inner-thinkings are scattered, sometimes ridiculous and typically illegible.

It could be the exhaustion or maybe I just want you to be the person I pity, but tonight I am going to do something I have never done before, and share an excerpt of what recently ran through my brain and onto paper.
My journey to motherhood has been anything but expected, it has been beautiful and heartbreaking. I am now a mama to two angel babies. I believe they are at God's feet and await Chris and I's arrival. There's not a single day that goes by that I don't think about them or miss them.  
Finding out I was pregnant, on both occasions, were two of the happiest days of my life thus far. Sadly, they were followed with some of the hardest days.  
Motherhood is what I am meant to do. After my heart-wrenching losses, I proceeded with surgery to remove two polyps and a mass that was basically the size of my uterus. I spent the last three months healing on doctors orders and I am finally approaching the dreadful, "TTC" state. After losing my first baby, it took me 18 psychotic-months to get pregnant. 
The desire to be a mommy consumed me. Every pregnancy announcement ripped open a slowly healing wound. To put it simply, I was miserable. I believe that misery came from anger--anger with God. Why was I not able to have a baby? 
I am happy to report, I snapped out of it. I mean... I stopped being angry with God and began relying on Him. Novel idea, right?  
I wish I could say that while I stopped being angry, I also overcame my sadness. But there are still moments of utter dispear. Moments where I ugly-cry and read my journal to my babies (I feel close to them there).  
Healing is still happening but so is hoping

It's no surprise that this was my latest journal entry, my thoughts are often stuck on the topic of motherhood.

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Texas, give me back my husband.

And here I sit in the San Antonio airport with blotchy eyes and an overly-stuffed suitcase. Today marks three weeks since my husband and I have been living in separate states. We knew for months that military training school would take him out of Florida for five months but I never let it register. I just couldn't deal and to be completely honest part of me still can't. Exhibit A: Girl in Airport Crying and Blogging.

The last three weeks have been tough, I am learning to live on my own for the first time in three years and it's weird. Not to mention, I am a huge wheenie when it comes to the dark. I am so grateful my brother is living with me to protect me from the boogieman lurking in the closet.

Thankfully, Chris' school allows him to have weekends off and I was able to fly in on Thursday night to spend the weekend with him. Sidenote: This was my first trip to Texas and let me tell you, people LOVE big belt buckles, love them. Chris gave me quite the tour of San Antonio. On Friday, we had a wonderful meal overlooking San Antonio at Chart House.

On Saturday, Chris and I went to the natural caverns. SO COOL. If you ever come to San Antonio, you must go! It was truly a site to be seen. And for a girl who is not outdoorsy, that's saying a lot.

Man, I really just missed this face so much. Saying goodbye is never easy, especially knowing it will be a while before I get to see him again. He's my person and being away from him is no fun. But no matter how sad it makes me,  I know he's doing what he loves and this is temporary (I repeat this to myself a lot).


I have always had so much respect for military families but now more than ever, I am getting a glimpse of what their lives are like. And by glimpse I mean a tiny, sliver of what they sacrifice, because lets be real, my husband is in Texas going to school. I get to talk him three times a day and visit when our schedules allow. With that said, there are no words to describe how much I miss all of the little things that I have become accustomed to in the last three years. I miss my best friend, for reals.  So to the husbands, wives and kids that spend months without seeing eachother and go extended periods of time without talking, my hat is off to you, you're all rockstars in my eyes.


While I would love to sit here and enjoy the massive pity party I am currently having, I am going to try and snap out of it. Mostly, because I think the crying girl in the corner is making the people around me uncomfortable. 

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Cape Cod

The ocean and sunshine make Florida a difficult place to complain about but we are lacking in the foliage department -- big time. We're missing out, folks!

Chris and I spent a long weekend in Cape Cod with my mom, stepdad and little sister in the beginning of October. We stayed in the most charming cape house (Thanks, Caroline!).  If you don't believe me, see for yourself:


Charming, right?

Since Chris had never been to Boston, we spent our first day in the city sightseeing, shopping, watching street performers and like any good tourist, eating. We're really great tourists, what can I say?







We were able to spend an evening in Provincetown and couldn't have had a better time if we tried, I loved it. Ladies, if you're thinking about a girls weekend, consider PTown.  It's such an eclectic town, full of character, cute shops and unique people. My mother grew up in Massachusetts and she visited Provincetown every summer as a little girl, so it was really exciting to experience it with her.


The rest of our trip was spent exploring Cape Cod and we couldn't help but fall in love. We stopped by Hole in One every single day (literally) for breakfast and of course, fresh donuts. If you ever get a chance to go to Cape Cod, you have to grab a donut from here. It's almost reason enough to go, I promise. I was also able to see one of my favorite friends (EVER!) from college, Coryn. We picked up right where we left off, laughing. Friends like that are the greatest. She met us in Hyannis for a delicious, filling and ridiculously expensive lunch at Brazilian Grill

The cape house we stayed in was only a mile from the beach, so on our last day we bundled up and headed down there for the most breathtaking sunrise.

I am already planning our next trip to the cape (Chris is planning our next move)! We can't wait to go back.






I absolutely geeked out when I realized this was the Cape Cod chips logo. 





Wednesday, December 31, 2014

2014

It's time to watch fireworks and reflect on the last 365 days, and celebrate my anniversary, this year, from the comfort of my bed. As I recover from a minor surgery, I am reminded of how blessed my family and I are to be healthy and truly happy.  Every year has trials and triumphs, some of which, I document right here. But when I look back at the year as a whole, I can't help but smile... it was a good one. Then again, it's all about perspective, I choose to remember and cherish the happy moments filled with love, friends and family.

Brace yourself, here comes the mushy stuff.
I can't help but feel extra sentimental this year, with a man who really pulled through with the whole  "in sickness and in health" gig. He has been quite the caregiver the last few days. Not to mention, the efforts he has gone to just to put a smile on my face while I've been stuck in bed.  This guy of mine has a heart of gold. How'd I get so lucky, folks?

So, babe, thank you for loving me and choosing me to be your forever. You're without a doubt my favorite human. Now, let's celebrate our three awesome years of marriage with that delicious Reese's on the nightstand. PARTY ANIMALS.

Here's a look at what 2014 looked like according to my iPhone:


Friday, December 12, 2014

10 Things I Wish I Knew before Marriage

My husband and I are quickly approaching our third anniversary. While I am no expert on marriage, I have learned a lot about myself during these last three years. If I could go back and give my single self a little advice, this would be it:

  1. Be selfish with your time. Once you have a family, "me" time becomes "our" time. Being alone is OK. One day you may forget what it's like and the grocery store will seem like girls weekend (not kidding).  
  2. Travel as much as possible. Even if you're alone, get on a plane and see as many places as your heart desires. One plane ticket is a lot easier on the wallet. 
  3.  Plan your wedding. It doesn't matter that you've been single for the last 3 years, every girl has the right to know what she wants. Plan away, sister.
  4. Happiness is something you have to choose. Don't depend on a thing or a person for your own personal happiness. You control how you feel, choose to be happy regardless of your circumstances. Finals will be a faint memory one day, I promise.
  5. Pray and grow closer to God. Have a personal relationship with God, it's the most important thing you can do for the present and the future.
  6. Enjoy school. Don't wish away your education. You are privileged to sit in a classroom learning on an almost daily basis. Gain as much knowledge as possible and never stop seeking answers. Form your own opinions but always be open to other perspectives.  
  7. Avoid cooking. This is probably bad advice. But eating an avocado for dinner or a bag of chips won't cut it once you're married. Men like a meal, like a full meal, with meat and a starch. AND skipping a meal? Forget it. So like I said, avoid cooking, you have the rest of your life to do it.
  8. Finding the right person will happen when you expect it least. I am convinced that 99 percent of the human population has heard this piece of advice. And I am pretty sure 98 percent of them ignored it. Be the 1 percent, believe me, it will happen.
  9. The wedding isn't a big deal. Many coin the wedding day as the "most important day of your life." Trust me when I say it's not.
  10. Those "most important" days are yet to come. The best days will be found in the midst of trials and triumphs. These "important" days are often unplanned and unexpected but perfectly timed.


Monday, December 8, 2014

A Last Minute Trip to Birmingham

Nearly a year has passed since we have been back to Chris' hometown. We typically make a few trips throughout the year but 2014 has kept us especially busy. Last week we decided on a whim to book flights to Birmingham to visit Chris' family. After almost missing our connecting flights on our way there and our way back, we made it! Going home is always bittersweet for Chris, he would like nothing more than to move back. However, our jobs and families make living in the sunshine state rather appealing to me. It actually shocks me a bit that we are still here, we never planned to stay in Florida after we got married but life happened and our roots deepened. Part of me would love to experience life in another state, but letting go of a place I have called home for 25 years seems impossible.

Have you moved for the sake of a lifestyle change or new scenery?  What was your experience?

Bits and pieces of Birmingham:









Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Christmas Home Tour

The Christmas tree is up, stockings are hung and Home Alone is playing in the background. It's official -- my favorite time of year has finally arrived.

Here's a quick tour of my very own winter wonderland courtesy of my iPhone: