My job requires a lot of writing, thinking and creativity in general and this was going to be my next blog post about why I have regrettably ignored my blog. But it's not the real reason. The truth behind my absence is selfish and honestly, I had nothing nice or positive to say. Recording my unhappiness for the whole online world to see just seemed pointless until now.
As many of you know I got pregnant last April with Chris and I's first child and shortly after we found out the most wonderful news, I miscarried. It was by far one of the largest trials I have faced so far in my life. After losing the baby, Chris and I decided we wanted to try again. Month after month, nothing. In the meantime, it seemed as if everyone around me was announcing that they were expecting. While I dug deep to share joy with many of my friends and church family, every announcement opened up my healing wound a little more and I drew back from friends, expecting ladies at church and sadly, I questioned God. As you can imagine, this led to a lot of unhappiness. I was missing all of the blessings I was undeservingly receiving. All of my thoughts and energy were focused on getting pregnant. I lost sight of the most important thing in my life, my relationship with God.
On a Sunday when I needed it most, I sat in a church sermon that focused on Deuteronomy 29:29 The secret things belong unto the Lord our God. That message changed me forever. In the midst of anger, bitterness and longing The Lord got a hold of my heart. I don't know the answer to the "why me" question I have asked so many times but I rest assured my heavenly Father knows and he has a beautiful plan in store, all I have to do is trust in him.