Inside My Journal

For those of you who don't know me, I will openly admit that I hoard journals. Throughout my house, stashed in random places, you will find my thoughts scribbled on pages of one my many journals. I go through phases with my journal's, they all serve their own purpose and represent something different to me. I pity the person who picks them up and actually reads them because my inner-thinkings are scattered, sometimes ridiculous and typically illegible.

It could be exhaustion, but tonight I am going to do something I have never done before, and share an excerpt of what recently ran through my brain and onto paper. Here goes nothin'...

My journey to motherhood has been anything but expected, it has been beautiful and heartbreaking. I am now a mama to two angel babies. I believe they are at God's feet and await Chris and I's arrival. There's not a single day that goes by that I don't think about them or miss them.  

Finding out I was pregnant, on both occasions, were two of the happiest days of my life thus far. Sadly, they were followed with some of the hardest days.  

Motherhood is what I am meant to do. After my heart-wrenching losses, I proceeded with surgery to remove two polyps and a mass that was basically the size of my uterus. I spent the last three months healing on doctors orders and I am finally approaching the dreadful, "TTC" state. After losing my first baby, it took me 18 psychotic-months to get pregnant. 

The desire to be a mommy consumed me. Every pregnancy announcement ripped open a slowly healing wound. To put it simply, I was miserable. I believe that misery came from anger--anger with God. Why was I not able to have a baby? 

I am happy to report, I snapped out of it. I mean... I stopped being angry with God and began relying on Him. Novel idea, right?  

I wish I could say that while I stopped being angry, I also overcame my sadness. But there are still moments of utter dispear. Moments where I ugly-cry and read my journal to my babies (I feel close to them there).  

Healing is still happening but so is hoping. 

To all the other mama's waiting to see the faces of their angel babies, shuffling through baby shower invitations and just trying to keep it together, I feel ya. The grief can be consuming but if you keep your eyes on the Lord, you won't sink.

xo,
B

Cape Cod

The ocean and sunshine make Florida a difficult place to complain about but we are lacking in the foliage department -- big time. We're missing out, folks!

Chris and I spent a long weekend in Cape Cod with my mom, stepdad and little sister in the beginning of October. We stayed in the most charming cape house (Thanks, Caroline!).  If you don't believe me, see for yourself:

Charming, right?

Since Chris had never been to Boston, we spent our first day in the city sightseeing, shopping, watching street performers and like any good tourist, eating. We're really great tourists, what can I say?

We were able to spend an evening in Provincetown and couldn't have had a better time if we tried, I loved it. Ladies, if you're thinking about a girls weekend, consider PTown.  It's such an eclectic town, full of character, cute shops and unique people. My mother grew up in Massachusetts and she visited Provincetown every summer as a little girl, so it was really exciting to experience it with her.

The rest of our trip was spent exploring Cape Cod and we couldn't help but fall in love. We stopped by Hole in One every single day (literally) for breakfast and of course, fresh donuts. If you ever get a chance to go to Cape Cod, you have to grab a donut from here. It's almost reason enough to go, I promise. I was also able to see one of my favorite friends (EVER!) from college, Coryn. We picked up right where we left off, laughing. Friends like that are the greatest. She met us in Hyannis for a delicious, filling and ridiculously expensive lunch at Brazilian Grill. 

The cape house we stayed in was only a mile from the beach, so on our last day we bundled up and headed down there for the most breathtaking sunrise.

I am already planning our next trip to the cape (Chris is planning our next move)! We can't wait to go back.

I absolutely geeked out when I realized this was the Cape Cod chips logo. 

A Last Minute Trip to Birmingham

Nearly a year has passed since we have been back to Chris' hometown. We typically make a few trips throughout the year but 2014 has kept us especially busy. Last week we decided on a whim to book flights to Birmingham to visit Chris' family. After almost missing our connecting flights on our way there and our way back, we made it! Going home is always bittersweet for Chris, he would like nothing more than to move back. However, our jobs and families make living in the sunshine state rather appealing to me. It actually shocks me a bit that we are still here, we never planned to stay in Florida after we got married but life happened and our roots deepened. Part of me would love to experience life in another state, but letting go of a place I have called home for 25 years seems impossible.

Have you moved for the sake of a lifestyle change or new scenery?  What was your experience?

Bits and pieces of Birmingham:

XO,

B

Cabin Fever

Back in October (what!) Chris and I spent a long weekend in Pigeon Forge, TN with some close friends and family. Besides waking up and drinking a hot coffee on the back porch, the highlight of my trip was...go-carts. Not kidding! Chris and I were giggling like little school girls the entire time, which he never would admit to and would probably cringe if he saw this BUT he doesn't read my blog very often sooo... now the entire world wide web knows, Chris giggles. It was so nice to disconnect for a while and enjoy the beautiful outdoors, If I didn't love Nordstrom and hate bugs so much, I could definitely see myself calling a little mountain cabin home, it was truly lovely.

Life Lately

My sweet valentine gift... I may have jumped up and down! 

 

Chris turned 24! We celebrated at the beach, it was lovely and way too chilly for these Floridians.

Bunny ears live on!

Pottery painting makes for the perfect Friday afternoon.

December, you are truly my favorite.

Just when I thought my college days were behind me... I throw a Christmas party and the cops show up. 

 

Anyone who knows me knows how much I love this time of year. From the twinkly lights to the red cup at Starbucks, I love it all.

 

Earlier this month I decided the best way to celebrate my favorite season was to stuff everyone I love into the same room--so began the party planning. I truly enjoyed every minute of picking out reindeer plates, placing stockings on the mantel and hanging ornaments from my ridiculously large Christmas tree. I don't think you can ever have too many Christmas decorations.

The real magic didn't happen until all of my friends and family walked through the front door. There is nothing better than surrounding yourself with the people you love most. It was the perfect way to start off the Christmas season.

And here we are, December 26th and I am actually not suffering from post-Christmas depression this year. Although there were a few hiccups here and there I have nothing to complain about. This Christmas season was nearly perfect, I am blessed beyond measure. I hope you had the perfect holiday with the ones you love most.
 

 

PS- a cop really did show up to the Christmas extravaganza but only because there were too many cars blocking the road...

Happy Birthday, Dad!

I came home from school in Kindergarten hysterical, literally bawling: "Rolando told me I HAVE to marry him, but I am marrying my Daddy!" I was completely serious, I thought I was going to marry my Dad for about the first 6 years of my life. Who was this Rolando kid to stand in the way of my plans? My mom very kindly broke my heart and explained to me why I couldn't marry my Dad. Luckily, I found a man who possesses some of my Dad's best qualities to call my husband.

 

There is no other love, bond, or friendship like the one a little girl has with her Dad. My Dad has lived on a pedestal and walked on water for as long as I can remember. He was and still is my real life superhero. Whenever I needed advice about big life decisions, he was the first one I turned to. He pushed me to be better, to go farther and not only find my dreams but to pursue them. He never refrained from telling me that I could do anything I put my mind to. He has made me a better person. He has shown me what it is to be loved unconditionally and taught me about the importance of family. For all of that, I am eternally grateful.

 

I am proud to call him my Father, to show him off to my friends, knowing that everyone he meets will instantly love him... he's just that kind of guy. I am so very blessed.

 

 

Happy 49th Birthday! I love you to the moon, Pops.

We meet again, finally.

I have whole-heartedly missed this outlet. Between work, friends, doctors appointments, and everything in between, I've been busy. But who am I kidding? Aren't we all busy?

The truth is I don't know where to pick up from where I left off. Do I skip the grief part of my life I have been dealing with and head straight to a picture of the cute shoes I just bought? Do I post about our mini vacation over memorial day? I really don't know.  Do I want this blog to be all about grief? No, absolutely not. Do I want it to be real? Yes, of course. The happy moments, the small things are what I want to remember most. But among those moments are trials, big and small. Trials that build character and shape us as we grow... and they should be documented too.

I guess you can say, the small moments I have taken for granted so often are more appreciated than ever. I see the fingerprints of the Lord everywhere I go. Finding the positive in a tough situation isn't always easy, but it's possible. I am figuring it out. Don't get me wrong, I fail, sometimes horribly. But for the most part, I am finding beauty in unexpected places.

I will leave you with this beautiful quote, "Faith endures trails. Trials come and go, but a strong faith will face them head-on and develop endurance."

 

Here's a few little moments from lately:

Happy Mother's Day

To My First Best Friend:

I am so grateful to have you as my mama. "Thank you" doesn't seem like enough when it comes to all that you do. You are the most selfless woman I know. Thank you for teaching me to find beauty in everything that comes across my path. Thank you for teaching me to love. Thank you for loving the Lord and guiding me back to him when I strayed. Thank you for being my shoulder, my listening ear, my secret keeper, and my very best friend.  I hope I am half the mother you are one day. I love you forever. 

xoxo

G R A T E F U L

In response to the trials that have recently presented themselves, I find myself focusing on all the beautiful things that surround my life on a daily basis. Between our family, friends, church, and some much needed Vitamin D we have a lot to be thankful for.
We are beyond grateful for the outpour of love we have received this past week. Small acts of kindness speaks volumes. 

& of course I am super grateful for this handsome man.

Breaking the Silence

Chris & I found out that we were expecting in mid-April. We weren't trying or avoiding just letting God make the decisions...and let me tell you,  we were beyond ecstatic with the decision our heavenly father made. After a week of excitement my world came crashing down as I started spotting. The spotting eventually became bleeding. We went to the ER and they could tell us nothing--we left with a 50/50 chance of a viable pregnancy. My husband who has been my rock through this whole process claimed that "our baby was perfect and fine" while I on the other hand, clung to everything but my faith. He was glass half full and I was glass half empty. 

After an excruciating weekend of not knowing what was going on I went to my doctor and was told I was having an ectopic pregnancy and would most likely need surgery. I was then rushed to the ER with tears burning my cheeks and a grief that consumed me. My husband refused to believe this news and continued to tell me the doctors were wrong. After many hours and various tests I was told I lost my baby. Relief set in that I wasn't having an ectopic pregnancy--then guilt, for feeling relieved. Then I welcomed shock and convinced the entire world that I was doing great! And finally, reality knocked on my door and let itself in and has decided to stay awhile.

Chris & I are still grieving together. We have found a deeper love for one another that is unexplainable. Our hearts still ache for that sweet baby we so looked forward to meeting. We serve a Great God. I will stand by that. I found a faith in myself I didn't know was possible. I know God works everything together for good. I am able to find peace among uncertainty, grief, and heart-wrenching sadness. This is not a strength I developed on my own--my heavenly father has supplied it and for that I am so grateful.


I have been torn on whether I should post this or not because this is such a raw wound. Not to mention the personal factor--finding the line between my personal life and this blog can be difficult. However, this little corner of the internet is about my life, an outlet of sorts, and now the loss of my baby is a very real part of me and always will be.

a turkey story..

I know im late.. but that is expected..


This year Chris & I volunteered our home for Thanksgiving. Chris and I both come from divorced families, hence, four sets of parents/grandparents can be hard to split the holidays between soo in order to share our holidays with everyone we love, we decided to host. And with hosting came lots of decorating, which I love.  Here was the beautiful outcome of hectic last minute plans, mishaps, and confusion. I wouldn't have rather spent my Thanksgiving Day with more lovely people.


We were sad Grandpa Beach (stepmom's dad) and family were unable to attend. He has been going through intense chemotherapy/radiation. He was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year. Since he was unable to leave his house we spent our morning with him and the Beach family. He is one of the most encouraging people I have ever met, a godly man with a heart of gold. Grandpa Beach, I am thankful for you and your rejoiceful spirit under all circumstances.

I hope your holiday was fabulous and you spent it with the ones you love most.

xoxo,

B.